i'm dead !!

I'm dead.. I feel dead.. how can I really say that..
or how can anyone as a matter of fact..
cuz unless I died and came back to life again,
how on earth would I know how "being dead" feels like….

Still yet I keep saying it.. I feel dead.. I am dead..

I guess since death is opposite to life.. dead versus alive.. its ok to say it..
When you lose the essence of life.. when your feelings does not match " alive" anymore.. when you lose the interests the things that make you feel alive..
The only thing that you can think of is the opposite.. the only feeling you recognize.. "you think" you recognize.. is dead..

I feel dead.. I am not alive.. I'm dead..

stupid people are all around..

its hard enough being angry, to add dealing with stupid machines...
its hard enough being angry, to add the feeling that you lost the words that meant your feeling..
the re do is never the same.. we are only humans.. at least i think i am..

Version 1.
i've been wanting to write about something.. its more of a question than it is something i want to say... however, i need some good supportive pic's to put with it.. i did not take them yet.. no time..
there are loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooots of stupid people in the world.. especially mine.. or its just me..i haaaaaaaate those stupid people who think they are allowed to do certain stuff to people, yet no one else is allowed to it.. especially to them... i hate those stupid people who think they know everything there is to know about some stuff, while they actally don't have the first clue about it..i hate myself when i get angry... i'm fine with being upset.. or depressed.. or even in pain... but i hate me when i'm angry.. anger gives me the strength and well to........... kill..
i need to go away.... far far away....

Version 2.
i've been wanting to write about something for quite sometime now.. its more of a question that i want to ask than something i want to say... but i need to take some photos to support my point.. i'll take them soon.. i hope..
there is lot of stupid people in the world..... especially mine.. i hate those people who think its ok for them to do stuff to people, but no one else is allowed to do them, especially to them.. i hate those who think they know all there is to know about certain thing, when they actually don't have the first clue about it... i hate those stupid people who make me angry.. i hate me when i'm angry..i'm fine with being upset... depressed.. or even in pain... but not angry.. i can't handle anger.... anger gives me the strength, and well to....... kill..
i need to get away... far far away..

updates..

i have been wanting to update for quite sometime now, but i did not have the well to do it..
you may call it lack of inspiration... i just call it laziness..
i'm the most lazy person i ever known.. and i don't think its all bad, but that is to talk about later..

don't you just hate it when in the day.. hour.. moment that you wish.. you hope.. that everything go right, everything just get soooooooo messed up that you feel like you want to die in that single moment and never see the sun shine anymore.. you work for a long time.. very long time.. to perfect this single moment in all the ways you can, yet.. everything seems to get together in the sake of destroying your plans.. everything get messed up.. and even crying does not make you feel better about it..
don't you hate such a day..

ice experience..

once i put my foot on the ice...ummm... its like i enter a different world
its like once i'm there, its only me and my cold breaths..
and the smoke coming from the newly washed ice
i feel lighter..
i feel faster..
as if all the things that bother me and set as a heavy load on me disappear..
its like everything i worry about, does not matter any more.. i slip on the ice so smoothly i feel like i'm flying
when I'm on the ice, its like everything suddenly make much more sense..

even when its not just simply skating.. even when itÂ’s a game.. tough and rough..
when you are up there, and looking at us from you seat .. seeing us all speed and break.. and thinking its too fast for you
to keep track of who is who..
its not that fast down here.. its like everything is going in slow motion.. you stand there in your position keeping an eye on the small black disk.. and in the same time trying to see everything around you in one big image..
you see youropponentt as he slowly pass by you, trying to take a better place.. your place.. your victory.. and your eyes meet.. you don't know what sort of feelings go through you..
for a moment there you both just stare..
and the smoke coming from your heavy breaths.. blind in one white cloud..
you look back at the puck .. and they shot...
the slow motion movie end up here..
and the dance begin..

when i count my blessings, i always count you twice

Love.. unconditional love..

To love is to care.. to give.. to be there.. to feel.. to sacrifice.... to do things with out a moment of thinking or hesitation.. and after you are done.. you think about it and you know for sure that if you went back and had to do it all over again .. you will.. just like the first time..

to love is to feel blessed for having your loved ones in your life ..
to love is to always think of them first..
to love is to give without thinking of anything in return..
to give them your place in a loooooooooong q..
to save them a set in a crowded place..
to give them your last piece of chocolate, even if it was your only..
to put a smile on your face while you listen to them talking and talking and talking for hours non stop.. whining and weeping about stupid stuff..
to love is to appreciate the smallest things..
to love is never to say "I told you so"..
to love is to have someone to tell you, you are pretty in your worst days..
to have someone telling you "everything will be just fine" when you feel like everything is going wrong and pulling you down..
to love is to have someone to look up to..
to love is to have someone that fills the emptiness in your soul..
to love is to have someone that makes you whole..
to love is to have someone that makes you a better version of you..

thank you for being all that and more.. i hope i had been a l'll of that to you..

chocolate break

busy days.. loads of work.. stuff you do.. stuff you try not do.. stuff you delay as much as possible..
swamped with papers.. notes.. msgs..
do that.. call CEO of gods know what.. send files to hill.. and don't forget your meetings..
i still don't remember how many committees i'm in :S

couldn't they make one for me that say, "pleeeeeeease Do Disturb" , someone please cut my thoughts stream.. someone take me away from here..

my phone got tattoo :)

when i have soooooooooooo much work to do, and deadlines to meet.. i feel like running away and painting.. most creative ideas come when you have no time for creativity.. if i don't seize the moment, it will be gone.. especially that i have a memory of a gold fish..

yes i did sketch on me phone.... yes i am crazy, have you just realized it???!!!

poohweeeeeeezzzz..

i don't want my head.. my brain.. someone please take it.. take it away.. i don't want it.. it mess up everything.. i can't get it to stop... this voice in my head..
i keep thinking and thinking.. non stop.. i wish it would stop..
i'm not smart, so why won't that stupid head stop working..
i don't want to know anything.. do anything.. think of anything..

BUT.. i always forget.. that my wishes NEVER come true..

apologies

i apologize for the mess-spelled nickname " Lonewolf" ... everyone out there... people.. people.. its NOT a capital "w" ok..
dear friend's freind, please do accept the apology, and thank you for agreeing with me, that what i say does not make any sense..

i miss rain..

its not fare that words can be so limited.. so restrained.. they mean what i want to say, but they don't even come close to describe the feeling...
when i say i miss you.. you don't really know how much i miss you.. you don't know how much meaning .. feeling.. that word carry..
its like feeling soooooooooooo sad, yet can't cry.. it hurts.. really hurts..

why everything have became so helpless to what i feel.. words that i say.. things that i write.. tears that i cry.. everything fail to describe what i feel.. have i gone so hard.. or so much..

Thank You..

i liked what you wrote a lot , even though it wasn't what i expected or thought of when i asked you to write.. i thought you would write a crazy nonsense such as the stuff i write.... but i forgot one important fact, which is that you are a perfectly sane normal lovely, very very lovely, smart real person. while i'm in the other hand, ...umm.. lets just say.. coming from a different planet.. and still working my way to be a li'll like you..
i would like to thank you for your lovely contribution it meant the world to me.. you didn't have to write all those nice stuff about me, you could've wrote the truth :P but really really thank you.. thank you for comin here every once and a while to refresh your mind with a li'll of my crap.. i would like to thank all your friends whom also visit here from time to time.. can't keep track of all of'em :P "just teasing" but would like to thank LoneWolf.. the name i hear much often along with my blog in one sentence..

we do have fun together.. lots of it.. if i could take a picture of each and every moment of fun we had and having, i would have my room full of pictures.. up to the sealing..

thats enough about other people, back to me.. remember, thats my blogspot.. mine, me, moi only.. the instant headache that you get as you step into my world.. the feeling that you lost something really important but you just can't remember what.. the itch in your hand to touch something that is forbidden for you to touch.. the sense of fearing death yet so badly wanting it...
Do i make any sense??!! no!! well there you go... moi..

well.. i don't know what to write.. it's just that we had fun yesterday .. we went out and it was really amazing.. i really enjoyed my time with her caz she's wonderful person and one of my best friends :)

Yours
FtOoOny

what sadness brings rain

where did i hear that.. i'm sure its not mine.. even though i would've loved for it to be mine..
i'm sure if i squeezed my brain to the last drop of memory i will remember where have i read it.. but i don't have the strength to do that now..

strange feelings i have about rain... i don't remember having them before.. why do i have them now!! i don't know...

Have something happened for me in a rainy day that made me have special feelings for rain!! i don't know....

all i know is that i miss rain so much.. and i almost fly of happiness when it rains..

it did rain today.. light drops... i thought may be cause i mentioned it so much it actually visited me.. i walked in the rain.. bare foot.. in my summer pj's.. feeling the cold breeze.. the small droplets of rain on my face.. on my lips.. such a sweet taste..

i had to go inside eventually.. and the rain stopped.. but i still hope it will visit again.. may be tonight.. may be tomorrow morning.. i still hope it will..

sometimes i really do believe that my crazy thoughts does bring rain.. my sad thought.. my mad thoughts..

meetings.. meetings.. and more meetings... like we don't have stuff much more important to finish..
we spend the first half an hour waiting for the chairperson to arrive "how nice" and we spend another half an hour saying our hi's and how do we do's.. then we discover that we only have half an hour left.. cause the room is reserved for an other meeting in half an hour..

pointless..

at some point you realize that everything you say or do is worthless as long as its only you who listen or see.... lately it have only been me..............

Sadness.. Madness..

"The night fall....
a tear crawl.....
down my face....
leading the trace.....
for much.. and more....."


sometimes i feel something or something happen and i react to it... and the words start coming in my head.. i think of saying it to the person that should hear it... or write in here may be it will get through.. but i end up putting all those feelings.. all those words in the little pink notebook.. where no one can get to it... or shall i say where it will get to no one...

Anger..

out of my mind

i wan't to write... i just don't know what to write..
i'm disconnected with me..

In The Memory Of My Beloved Father May He Rest In Peace

Yes he is gone..........
But he is never away..........

It was like if they were talking about me.. everything they said.. every word.. every sense.. it was all me..
At some stage I knew it was it, But.. I questioned my mind.. my thoughts.. could it really be it.. then I thought, it can't be .. its not it.. But now I know for sure… Its it..