highways again..

I was on the highway again.. strange what thoughts get into your head on the highway.. even when you have company.. you don’t feel like talking.. or respond to the initiated conversation other people try to break the silence with.. may be its just me.. I don’t like talking in the early morning.. I much prefer being with my own thoughts.. especially on the highway..

You reach a point of being drawn in your own thoughts, that you don’t know whether your eyes are open or closed.. whether you are asleep and dreaming.. or awake and just going as far as your thoughts would take you..

The stream of thoughts.. the silence, is eventually broken.. when the highway ends.. and you get to wherever you are going..

Now that I’m in the comfort of my room, I hardly try to remember some of the thoughts.. any of the thoughts I had in the highway, but I can’t.. all I can remember is that they were deep, dark ones.. as all mu thoughts usually are.. but that is nothing to worry about.. tomorrow morning I’ll be on the highway again, and all the thoughts will come back.. I’ll try to hold on to some of them.. maybe even share few..

RaIn.. rAiN.. :)

don't you just loooove rainy days.. i know i do..

it was a miracle yesterday.. the rain

in the aggressive summer heat.. who would've expected so much rain..
for those who noticed, it only rained for 30-45 minutes in each area, but the amount of water coming down was unbelievable.. its like someone was opening the shower on its full range..

the day started like every other day..

suddenly clouds started hovering in the blue sky..

and before you know it, big.. round.. heavy drops of rain started falling..

then the shower was open for 20 "amazing" minutes..

afterwards.. everything just started to go back the way it was, as the rain clouds moved forward..

"thank you God" we really needed some rain to wash our tired souls..

i'm tired.. tired of watching people walk all over my life..

post

i don't know what to write.. i opened the blog.. closed it.. opened it again.. closed it.. and now again.. i so much need to write.. i just don't know what.. or where to begin really.. there are lots of things inside that don't know how to come out..
sometimes i really feel like screaming my lungs out.. cuz words are just not enough.. words won't do it..
don't you hate it when you have this feeling, yet you can't do anything about it..
the atmosphere is so overwhelming those days..
summers are so strange.. or should i say my feelings towards summers are very strange..
the longing to be somewhere else.. someone else..
the goodbyes to those who actually manage to do so..
getting stuck at work.. dealing with long.. hot.. dull hours..
melting into your job until you don't know where it ends and "YOU" begins..
and i'm becoming a drama queen now..
so sorry who ever read this
sleepless night are crazy ones

Father..

I got into the car today, going back home after a really busy day at work.. and all the 15minutes way back I was thinking about my father “may he rest in peace” I don’t know what brought the thought up.. but I was thinking about him and having that weird feeling like “is he really dead” even though it’s almost a year and a half since he passed away “I still get that weird feeling when I say passed away” even though it had been that long.. it feels like yesterday he was with us in the room talking about his trips and travels.. talking about forgotten distant family members.. talking about old times and the way they used to live….. it feels like only few hours ago when we all rush to the hospital after we woke up and knew he was taken to the hospital.. a stroke they said.. one week they said.. no hope they said.. yet we all survived for 4 years….. weird feelings.. a lost sense of time that mix up everything in your head.. it feels like only few seconds ago.. in the cold hospital room.. the annoying beeping noise of the monitors.. the hard breaths he heavily bulls.. the visitors we see good bye at the door. But not really with cuz all we can focus on is his chest going up and down.. very slowly… it was moments hard to live.. and still hard to remember…… weird feeling to hold his hand.. trying so hard to find his weak .. fading pulse.. lying to myself and wanting so much to believe my lie.. yes there is a pulse.. while there isn’t….. it feels like just a moment ago.. looking at his peaceful .. tired.. face .. for the last time.. never in my life have I seen someone with such a harmony with himself.. someone who had such a peace with himself..
How can all these feelings.. memories.. things…go through your mind in only 15 minutes.. how can only 15 minutes feels like years.. how can years feel like just a minute ago……. It’s really hard to miss someone so much.. someone you know you can’t see.. it’s really hard to have all these feeling and not know what to do with it.. or how to make it just go away, but then should it go away!!

I’m not an artist

Although my small room ache of the increasing number of paintings lying around and taking over most of the walls.. and the humble studio that keeps overlapping my living area.. I never think of myself as an artist.. I don’t think that I’m even an amateur … as far as I’m concerned, my paintings sucks.. because they are the manifestation of anger sadness depression and my blue everlasting mood, most of the times.. see some people, when they have a bad feeling they get it out on someone else.. or they write diary or they talk to a shrink or go to the sea and scream out loud.. being trapped in me.. all I can do when I’m in the blue is to paint… its rarely that I paint in celebration or because of happiness..
Therefore, my paintings all come weird dark and “to most people” just a non understandable crap.. I don’t care what other people think of my paintings.. it’s enough for me that I know what they mean..

A li’ll minority of them actually think I’m an artist “which is clearly a mistake” I don’t have a clue of art.. I only understand what I connect with.. they even say that I should have a gallery.. come on.. don’t they notice that I have no technique what so ever.. and all the stuff I do is no more than a clueless act of spilling paint over canvas.. do I dare calling it art!! Well I normally don’t care, and I would’ve if I really thought it is.. but the thing is that I don’t!!

People in grocery stores and hypermarket

Did it ever happened to you, when you go to buy your everyday groceries.. you enter the hypermarket and all the people walking by are just staring at you as if you are coming from Marc.. it’s very annoying.. they make you feel as if there is something wrong in you.. you start checking yourself..am I wearing cloth or did it slip my mind and I came naked.. am I wearing matching socks!!.. does my face have something on it… even if you have such a strong self esteem .. and even if you look them back as if saying “what!! What are you looking at!” deep inside your head, automatically you are wondering.. what is it!! What are they looking at!! Is something wrong with me !!

Having survived your way to the shopping baskets and between the isle, some people pass by you and stare again.. at you.. at the basket you are holding.. looking at what stuff you got.. and even though they already passed you, their eyes are still hung at your basket.. their heads turning to keep contact with your basket even though their bodies are way ahead..stupid people.. don’t you think!!

To finish up the grocery-shopping experience, you always seem to end up with the worst cashier in the market.. its either he/she has a big scary thing on their faces.. or their heads are strangely shaped (wait now, I’m not teasing, it’s all god creation, but isn’t it stupid to put such a person in this place.. it’s not fear for him/her and it’s not fear for the customers.. after all we are human and it’s our nature to look) or in worse cases you end up with a mentally challenged cashier.. it will take him/ her an hour to finish scanning your products..then another hour to put it in a bag.. then another hour to double check your change and finally give it to you..but let’s be fear.. sometimes you do get one of those good cashiers.. who’s only problem is that he is not feeling like working today.. in this case, you will go through the cashiering process much faster but you probably will come back to fight with someone..i think grocery shopping is very enriching experience

thank you..

i have never came around saying "THANK YOU" for a wonderful week we "almost" spent together.. it really was one of the best moments in my life.. how can i ever thank you enough..

loved watching movies with you :)

loved baking with you "you of course doing all the baking"