Father..

I got into the car today, going back home after a really busy day at work.. and all the 15minutes way back I was thinking about my father “may he rest in peace” I don’t know what brought the thought up.. but I was thinking about him and having that weird feeling like “is he really dead” even though it’s almost a year and a half since he passed away “I still get that weird feeling when I say passed away” even though it had been that long.. it feels like yesterday he was with us in the room talking about his trips and travels.. talking about forgotten distant family members.. talking about old times and the way they used to live….. it feels like only few hours ago when we all rush to the hospital after we woke up and knew he was taken to the hospital.. a stroke they said.. one week they said.. no hope they said.. yet we all survived for 4 years….. weird feelings.. a lost sense of time that mix up everything in your head.. it feels like only few seconds ago.. in the cold hospital room.. the annoying beeping noise of the monitors.. the hard breaths he heavily bulls.. the visitors we see good bye at the door. But not really with cuz all we can focus on is his chest going up and down.. very slowly… it was moments hard to live.. and still hard to remember…… weird feeling to hold his hand.. trying so hard to find his weak .. fading pulse.. lying to myself and wanting so much to believe my lie.. yes there is a pulse.. while there isn’t….. it feels like just a moment ago.. looking at his peaceful .. tired.. face .. for the last time.. never in my life have I seen someone with such a harmony with himself.. someone who had such a peace with himself..
How can all these feelings.. memories.. things…go through your mind in only 15 minutes.. how can only 15 minutes feels like years.. how can years feel like just a minute ago……. It’s really hard to miss someone so much.. someone you know you can’t see.. it’s really hard to have all these feeling and not know what to do with it.. or how to make it just go away, but then should it go away!!